Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This is going to be a long one...

In light of recent events, I've been doing a lottttt of thinking. There are so many people that continually try to hold others back, simply because they're afraid of reaching out for their own success. I know I've written about things pertaining to Adam and how he has constantly tried to keep contact with me, even though I severed ties with him over 3 months ago, but I've always been very conscious about what I've written. I've never put it all out there simply because I'm not the type of person to air out my dirty laundry via a public blog (that's what LiveJournal and long phone conversations to my mother are for!). I try to protect people even when they exploit and use me. But in light of said recent events, I now realize that some people simply do not deserve to have their reputations protected or shielded from the harsh criticisms of people close to me.

Adam still retains possession of many very important items of mine... including but not limited to a white Macbook computer and a hand-me-down vintage Polaroid camera that was given to me by my grandmother (in Adam's very presence). He had once agreed to pay me $600 for my computer, and we worked out a payment plan so that it would be paid in full by December 31st, 2009. It wasn't. Obviously. Then he promised it'd be next week. and then next week. and then the next. Then he would give it to me when he visited Tennessee in January. He claimed to have left it in California (he didn't). Then it was "I'll send it as soon as I get home..." He didn't. Do you see the pattern here?

Anyway, I've contacted an attorney and I've started the process of taking him to small claims court to try to win either my computer or it's monetary equivalent, and the rest of my belongings, plus court fees, etc. But as I wrote to him on Facebook Saturday night (after receiving an email from an attorney), a sense of calm came over me. Adam has been holding onto my things simply so he can try and keep a hold of ME. Obviously, right? He's told me this himself. He's told me that he keeps dragging it out because he knows that as soon as I get my stuff, I'll never speak to him again. Honestly, he couldn't have been more right.

I just know that as long as I let him have power over me, he'll try to control my life with it. We're 2300 miles apart now. And from this moment forward, he holds no reigns over my day to day life.

There are people like him who constantly try to take advantage of good-hearted people like myself. (Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I was raised by the most kind-hearted, judgement-free person and I merely follow in her footsteps). At one point, I loved Adam. I loved Adam with every fiber of my being and I wanted nothing more than to make things work with us. But after 3 years of constant turmoil and disappointment, it was finally time for me to let go, and I did just that. Adam has never once owned up (whole-heartedly) to any wrong-doing on his part... and believe me there was a lot. That's not to say that I was without fault, because that's far from true. I wasn't always the best partner, but it's a two way street.

Adam started spinning down an awful spiral of drugs, alcohol, partying, and girls. I didn't partake in his social outings and this inevitably sped up the breakup process. Adam needed to be a 20 year old boy, while I was trying to be a 30 year old woman (exaggeration, I know...). But had we not split when we did initially, I wouldn't have pursued my dream to move to NYC alone and work for a women's publication that inspires me on the daily. I did it! I did it all on my own, and I did it because he was no longer there holding me back. He never went to college (not saying it's for everyone) but he had no ambition. No goals. No motivation aside from who was going to spend the night tonight. He was bad for me. He was like a drug that I was addicted to. I just couldn't stop him.

I did a lot of soul searching in NYC while I'd walk around the city on my own... I thought a lot about who I was becoming and what I'd come home to. Even though I shouldn't have, I gave it one final shot in October. My week in California was both exhilarating and exhausting. The fights didn't stop. The drugs were still there. I didn't want any part of it. The lies kept coming, even after I returned home. He was seeing a girl in Las Vegas behind my back. It all came crashing down. I remember walking into my roommate/best friend, Bryan's, room after I had called Adam and ended it. I was just sobbing. I knew what I did was right. I had every justification in the world, and then some. But my heart just hurt.

Mike came back into my life at a very interesting time. I was pulling all-nighters at school, stressing over the most trying semester of my life, crying at the thought of more work, trying to keep faith in men, and trying to not blame myself for what Adam had done to me. I skipped out on studying for my Art History final one night and hung out with Mike at his house. It was the first time I had seen in him over 3 years. It was so surreal. We watched tv and talked and caught up. It was incredible how easily the conversation came. Everything made sense. We continued to see each other every single day after that... in fact, there have been maybe a total of 2 or 3 days at most, that I haven't seen him for at least a short time. And not a single day since Christmas that I haven't spent with him. Just when I thought I wasn't going to be able to trust anyone ever again, he proved me wrong.

Something I've never written about publicly is the fact that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, that's not to say that I'm crazy or anything, although at times I feel it, but I just have a very skewed perception of people and society and self. I constantly battle with the feeling of not being "good enough"... Adam was such an enabler for this. Even after I started seeking treatment and talking to him about it, he never even pretended to be interested. There are two really really wonderful Youtube videos that explain what BPD is and how to handle it in someone you love. This always hurt me that Adam never cared. It was definitely brought on by my ~Daddy Issues, if you will. My biological father is far from ever deserving the title 'dad' but for the sake of conversation, we'll give it to him. I like to think of myself as a strong person and it's something that my mom has worked so hard to instill into me. But after constant disappointment in men, it's easy to understand why one would have a hard time trusting them.

As I said, Mike showed up and he was my knight in shining armor.... not that I ever needed to be rescued. But I'm sure even Joan of Arc would've accepted the hand of an always-supportive knight. I started to find my way back to reality on my own (hence my new-found optimism after Adam and I's first breakup circa Nov 2008). I told Mike about my BPD one day and how Adam wouldn't even watch the 16 minute YouTube video.... Later that night, Mike pulled it up on the internet and watched it in it's entirety. To me, that meant SO much. He talked to me about it, he asked questions, he listened.... So amazing.

I can safely say that I haven't had a single thing trigger my BPD since being with Mike that was a result of him, and that's huge. It was a constant battle with Adam. Everything he'd do was like a giant red flag... But I ignored it because I wanted it to work. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy. Yet it turned out that I was pulling all the weight in the relationship and eh was merely riding my coattails.

This could go on for days, but I guess the moral of the story (for time's sake) is that Adam was bad for me, and I KNEW it... I just knew... but I constantly went back and I was always left disappointed and hurt... I know SO many girls who keep the faith in their boyfriends because they love him or he says he loves her... but the truth remains that no guy that truly truly loves you should EVER make you feel that way. And even when you think it will be the most hellacious thing to go through and you won't survive, just remember that YOU WILL. You are not the only one going through this. Plenty have done it before you, and more than a fair share will do it after you. A great thing to keep in mind is that we're all in this together. And just when you think you won't find him, he's going to scoop you up and it'll be the most magical thing in the world.

Don't just take this post as my word.... go back into my archives and read past entries.. or better yet, befriend me on LiveJournal and read my heart-wrenching posts about how I'd do anything to make it work.... I feel almost pathetic in hindsight, but they're just reminders that my heart was truly in the right place.... but the wrong person. That's not to say Mike and I are going to run off and get married... goodness no! Not any time soon at least! But I've found someone that I truly adore. You're going to meet your fair share (and more) of douchers... but there's always a catch out there!

I feel like my heart just had diarrhea all over this post... I apologize for that... but I guess I got to writing and then I couldn't stop and then I went off on tangents and then I completely strayed from my original point...

So my point was.... Adam is no more. He has no control over my life. Sure, he still has about $1,000 worth of my things, but they're just things... even the ones that were expensive and even the ones that hold more sentimental value than anything he owns. But they're just things. At the end of the day, I get to cuddle up in bed and watch funny sitcoms with the most handsome boy I know... the one that treats me like a Queen and has never taken advantage of me. The one that holds me when I cry about my car being scary and exploding, the one who tries foods that I'm too afraid to try first... that's what I have. And all Adam can do is hold on fervently to memories of something that was.... I've moved on, and he hasn't.

Living well is the best revenge... and baby I've got you beat ten-fold.


PS; I know I cited a bunch of different videos and posts and such in this entry... so a few key ones are conveniently located below:

PPS; I love you all. so much

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