Thursday, October 14, 2010

Senioritis vs. the If/When Syndrome...

Senioritis, from the word senior plus the suffix -itis (which refers to inflammation but in colloquial speech is assumed to mean an illness), is a colloquial term used in the United States and Canada to describe the decreased motivationtoward studies displayed by students who are nearing the end of their high schoolcollege and graduate school careers.

Here I am... six weeks shy of my last day of college. 18 school days, if I counted correctly. That's right... just eighteen. You think I'd be enthralled by the idea of never having to wake up and go to class again... and well, I guess you'd be right to a certain degree. I am so very excited to be through with college. I most certainly am. But I'm also catching myself lack in motivation. Maybe it's because I've spent the last 4 and a half years getting a degree that I'm not planning on using (I say that lightly, as I will use the degree, just not in it's intended purpose). I mean, I didn't know that for the longest.. in fact, I didn't know that until this summer/semester. But I'm not the type of person that powers through something for so long and quits just before the finish line.

It's hard to take things seriously like my portfolio or portfolio website when I doubt I'll be showing it to anyone. At least not for several years (if my passion to work in graphic design returns)... so everything will change. I'm blabbering on about nothing really... but it's been getting to me pretty hard the past two months. I don't want to just do something for the sake of getting it done. I want to be proud of it... why is that so hard for me right now?

Is it a serious case of Senioritis, or is it the If/When Syndrome? I constantly find myself saying "I'll be happy when I graduate." "When I graduate, then I'll be excited about designing." "If I can start up my business plan for my store, then I'll be happy".... This is such an unhealthy mentality! Yes.... I WILL be happy when I do those things... but what is making it so hard to be happy NOW?!

I have a difficult time going to a couple of my classes simply because there is someone in there who makes it seem like her life goal is to just spread negativity. She complains about things that have nothing to do with her, and I instantly feel my morale go down. I also have this problem at my job... it may only be 10 hours a week and it may be excellent pay... but I just feel miserable at times! 

It's hard to look at something you see as a future goal and know that you won't be there for a while... I keep having to remind myself that I need to enjoy the present so that I may enjoy the future.

Life is about the journey, not the destination.

I only have 18 days of school left... granted there's a whole heck of a lot of work that will go into those 18 days (this is where my procrastination becomes a serious problem), but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. But is there a light at the end of this mentality, too? Will my If/When syndrome go away once I graduate? Or will I find myself sitting in my studio day after day saying "I will be so happy if/when I get my store going... etc etc etc"

I dealt with Senioritis my senior year of high school.... I don't know how I did it, but I still managed to make all A's and graduate with Honors. I suppose I can't truly be blamed for feeling this way, as I have spent the past forever in this school, it seems. Not to mention I've spent the last 17 and a half years going to some sort of educational institution... If I had graduated on time (this past May), maybe I wouldn't have felt this way... and maybe I'm a little burnt out because I want to use the degree I started with (Fashion Design) and not necessarily the one I finished with (Graphic Design)...

What a web I have spun myself. 

I guess the moral of the story is: I'm excited/ready to graduate, and I hope that I can make it through these last few weeks. But I also hope that I can change my mentality for the better. I have so many exciting things written in my Little Book of Ideas... from handmade goods, blog tutorials, an entire blog redesign, and daily goals/to-do lists.... I'll have to share some of those soon.

Sorry for rambling on... this was such a text-heavy post and all I really did was clear my chest of things that have been bothering me. Maybe you can relate though. If so- Do you have any suggestions/tips on how to be productive with school work when it's the last thing I want to look at?

Either way, thanks for being amazing readers and following my little journey through life! Your comments and emails make everything seem so much easier. It's nice to know I have people who I can relate to, even if we may have never met.

With that being said, if you have something heavy on your heart or you just want to talk/introduce yourself, feel free to email me... I'm always willing to listen! kaelahbee (at) gmail (dot) com.

Also- I feel like I should end this by saying that I most likely will NOT have a "day job" (full time job) once I graduate. I have no real desire to find something like that... I may find a part-time job at a florist/bakery/independent shop of some sort, just to get my hands a bit dirty (and keep me from going crazy from cabin fever)... but I will most likely have my Mon-Fri free and only work 10 hours a week at the bar. This will allow me to fully see through my goals (I hope)... but it's still weird to me..

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