Sunday, October 25, 2009

question answered!

i just got this in my email from the formspring and since there was no way to reply personally, i figured i'd give it it's own little post on my blog... mainly because it's a really good question and maybe more of you can relate.

This was submitted via the formspring:
"I'll start this off by saying, I've been hesitant on asking you this or not. Not because I don't trust you opinion, but because I feel like it's a bit too personal to question via an internet blog, but after reading your post about you and your boyfriend Adam, I figured I'd give this a shot. Coincidentally, my ex's name is Adam as well. But, all in all we dated for 4 years, and just recently actually about 2 months ago "recently" we had to break up due to family/personal problems. Plus, a but load of other issues. Nontheless, the question i was inquiring, was how did you get over your Adam when you needed to? I've heard the whole " find something to occupy yourself with " deal. and Time Time Time, just give it time. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm in desperate need to know how to get over him. I've been puttin one foot in front o!
f the other these past few months, but I always seem to have set backs around the corners. Sorry if this took too much of your time. I just figured you could relate. Thanks in advance, :)"
alllrighty then! well! this will probably be long-winded so i dont blame some of you for not reading it. hopefully i can touch base with the person who asked the question and maybe the rest of you can leave advice/suggestions in the comments for her! i think this is a great way to open up discussion with more than just myself :)

first things first... i'm sorry that you're going through this. it's never fun and it's never easy, and it sucks when you've spent that significant amount of time with someone. i'll never claim to give good advice, but i will say i can give you my experiences and what i would (emphasis on WOULD seeing as i typically do the opposite of what i SHOULD hehe) do in the situation. my adam and i dated for 2 full years before we went separate ways. they were 2 of the most influential years of both of our lives basically. we lived together for over a year so that definitely sped up the relationship. after 24 months it seemed as though we had been together 5 years. we didnt split because of family problems so i can't relate there, but there were a ton of personal problems that just eventually drove us apart. for exactly one month after we "broke up" we stayed together. after that 1 month i walked away completely. we'd go days/weeks without speaking/seeing each other (the longest was 6 weeks. no communication whatsoever.) through all the trials and tribulations of trying to get over my "first love" i came to this conclusion: if i really wanted to get over him, i'd have to cut him out of my life completely. thats not to say i actually ever wanted to do that... the problem for me was right there... i never wanted to actually get over him. sure, he pissed me off and hurt me to certain extents where i swore i hated his guts, but i never really TRULY did, ya know? i dated several guys over the course of the 11 months we were technically broken up, but i still compared every single one of them to him. i could go on and on and on about this but its really as simple as just try and get him out of your daily routine/mind for a while. its hard and you'll catch yourself watching the phone, possibly lurking via the web (PLEASE DONT DO THIS! THIS IS BAD!), etc etc... but if you just delete him from everything, make everything private and try to avoid crossing paths, it'll get easier and easier each day. every single day for the 6 weeks, i thought of adam. a lot. i cried, a lot. but i needed to. you need to let yourself feel those feelings ya know? don't ignore them. don't just brush them off. acknowledge them and move past them. when you sweep it under the rug you'll just end up with a pile of shit when it comes down to doing the cleaning. then who knows, maybe after just a littttle bit of time you'll be able to be cordial, friendly, and maybe see where things go from there.

it sucks to say it but the truth is this: you've got to get rid of him. theres a lot of life left in you, babygirl. there's a whole world to see. as cheesy as it is to say, i found reading a lot of quotes and listening to a lot of ridiculous (and sometimes sappy) music to help me. thats just how i operate though. reading and listening to somethign that someone else might think is sad can actually help put me in a better mood (simply because its nice not to feel alone. and when i read/listen to those things, i realize that other people out there are fighting the daily battles with me.) so ill post a few quotes and stuff like that that i've come across just to put them out there :) im sure several of them will be repeats but some things are good to hear more than once <3


if you want to talk about it some more or anything, feel free to email me ( you can make a fake email if you'd prefer to stay anonymous. but i'm all ears [or... eyes, i guess i should say :P] hang in there lady <3 you're not alone.

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.
— James Baldwin

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